People and (their) time.

 People and (their) time

Some have it and give it…

away for others to benefit from

for the price of a future favor

to the first one who crosses their path

squandering precious infinity 

I would be a bird today—a seagull

flying through drafts of wind rivers

landing to commune with fellows of flight

resting a while with birdsong absent

Breaking from the storm on the coast

coming toward land 

carrying ions for change 

edible in all forms seen, sacred, mundane

manna from heaven and sea 

Sand in bed this morning 

oh the dreams of a dark new moon

Where did I fly last night while this corpus slept?

1.23.23 1.23pm

Composing for the echo chamber in the room where I sleep, I begin my day.

At 7am, I turned off the alarm that would have gone off at 7:05am, because I was awakened by a text from another in a later time zone, apologizing for something they felt bad about that had not even occurred to me:

"I didn't realize yesterday was Friday. I apologize." ~J.

Softly I slipped back to slumber wanting only to sleep till I would naturally wake up.

9am I wake, bewildered by vivid dreams of driving in snowy cul-de-sacs in my bright red Fiat discussing the astrology transits with Andre who is adamant that we can break into the building through the parking garage if we must.

Early morning dreams are best not interpreted; better to use owl eyes and look lightly through the web of feelings for a simple message.

Why are dreams just before waking so strange?

Why do I care?

What am I imagining them to mean?

No, Grammarly, I'm not choosing your suggested rephrasing.

Concision is not always the best choice for self-expression when the mind (that we are not) is trying to make sense of the non-sensical that showed up in an early morning mirage.

About three years ago I had a coffee meeting with someone for the first time, as suggested by another colleague. The colleague imagined I could help their friend with developing a writing and content strategy. Instead, we became fast friends, and while I wanted to help him for professional reasons, there was always something that allowed him to put off the thing he said he wanted to do. 

My approach was to keep in touch, stay constant, support, nudge, and be there to assist, listen, and be an accountability partner and friend--for that is what we had agreed to be for each other.

We had a lot of pep talks. 

We had a lot of phone conversations. (often during times between my client calls.

We had a lot of happy hours on Fridays where we listened to each other. 

In March 2020, when COVID lockdown started in my state, he "disappeared" on me, preoccupied with his own priorities concerning his house and his dogs and his retirement plans. I check in with him by way of text but he has no time to talk and instead I get a long text back explaining how life is still crazy for him. It was really hard for me for the first month that he wasn't making time for our nearly daily check-ins as once upon a time he was--because I cared about him, was worried about him, and wanted him to know I cared. And then I realized (with the help of my loving husband) that I needed to just let it go and let him be him. That looked like not texting the "how are you today texts, the what can I do to support you texts, the loving threats that I was going to call if he didn't call me. Honestly, first I felt lost, then sad, then angry, then sad; and then relief filled the vacuum created by all the additional time. I didn't immediately fill it by replacing one person for another to call daily. I embraced the space, reassessed how I wanted to spend my time, and began to do what I had mapped out. From time to time, an impulse to reach out to him, ask again,  "what can I do for you?" passed through me, YET, I said "no." My wise inner self and that kind voice of my beloved reminded me, "Let it be. You do you. First things first per your priorities."

I never realized just how much energy I gave this one friend and colleague until there were a couple of months of silence and extremely limited contact with them (by their choice.) I have a very wise older friend who I shared my story with and she said, "Just let him go; he's saying (in his way) he is done with you. Otherwise, he'd be wanting to talk. He was looking for an exit. Let it/him go." 

That conversation with my dear elder friend, occurred near the end of June, the very first month I also systematically managed to finish all my coaching lesson notes by the end of the same month--an expectation I had for myself but missed more than I satisfied. Our habits take effort and intention to alter deeply. 

And, I started July with a fresh clean slate with additional energy to do what is important to me on a daily basis. 

That absent friend and colleague is still important, and I recently sent a check-in from Dan and I, "We hope you are well." He replied in his usual way. I replied with compassion in my heart:

"Okay. The ball is in your court. Take care."

COVID and the pandemic insisted we assess and prioritize. Some did it sooner than others and learned from it--for application after the worst was passed. 

The pandemic and all its consequences for humanity had put a mirror before me with the following reminders: 

Being of service is my primary driver. 

Not all are willing to ask for help or take it when offered in times of crisis. 

Delegation allows us to focus on what we deem to be most important. 

Identifying the true yes vs no is an important lesson to learn (and relearn.)

I have found that letting go when I recognize (the truth of) things that do not further my bigger and more important intentions LIBERATES and AMPLIFIES my energy. 

Focus has become easier for me. And there seems to be more time, less resistance, and better outcomes.

Where did all this extra time and energy come from?! 

From saying YES first, to myself, my purpose, my big picture plans.

Originally penned 7.15.2020

Love agrees with me

give me all that i ask
the promise: i  return tenfold
love agrees with me

My Song of Naropa

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."...Aldous Huxley

freshly stirring
in morning's first light
dream-scented skin
 so tender the touch
linger awhile beloved

 words still sleeping
the message still clear

love is the food of these demi-gods we are

dancing into a new day
wearing the scent of ecstasy

the glow may be unseen
but it shall be sensed
by all you greet today...

I send you on your way fed and fed and filled for a wondrous day....

August 14, 2013 8:53am

The Gratitude List & Embracing Hesitation

The Gratitude List & Embracing Hesitation
Posted on May 28, 2012 by Deborah Drake - Authentic Writing Provokes

I AM in love.

With the journey I do not yet understand
With the upstarts I have not yet met
With the magic that new beginnings are
With the people who surprise me generously
With the smiles freely given and received
With the wonder in the eyes of young ones
With the sound of truth being told

With the simple ability to breathe without having to think about it.

I am of the mindset there is always more to be thankful for. I wasn’t always. There was a time when I felt like a sadder person whose life was colored by more loss than I thought I could handle. And it all started when I was very young. So if it is true that “God/dess” gives us only as much as we can handle, I AM grateful for how I have handled what has been given to me to address.

Abundance and Gratitude is an Attitude that can be cultivated and doing so is a lifelong process. We, humans, have been given both the ability to communicate and remember what  we have said and done and have the capacity to learn from it. What worked for us at four doesn’t work the same for us at fourteen or forty. Nor should it. I AM grateful for how I have evolved and continue to do so.

I feel I AM again the person I was when I was about to embark upon college. Self-reliant. 18. A loaner car of a Dodge Wagon packed to the max with the sum total of my worldly belongings. Few clothes. More books. A box of my life story in journals. Going where I knew but one person. Leaving behind no room to return to. Only a future to embrace. Pure excitement and no hesitation. My body hummed with a knowing that all was as it should be.

Three decades later after many starts and stops and stumbles, I feel as though I AM again in that space of pure possibility and nothing will prevent me from realizing what I have envisioned. I AM committed to believing that what I can dream, I will manifest.

Had even one person introduced me to the idea of intention and my energy being so exquisitely and purposely directed when I was that tender age…what more would have come into being? Oh, here is the surprise behind that curtain: It has all been perfect as it has come to pass. Not that I could see that at 27 or even 34. I see it now though. And that is presence that matters.

Regarding that last moment before we figuratively or literally leap into something new and daring, what is YOUR personal “surefire” way to diffuse any hesitation or procrastination?

May you be blessed with the courage to say yes to your grandest visions, hesitation-free.

Om Shanti.

AUM: Restoring My Sense of Self

Let me begin with two questions: Do you know how to be yourself? Do you grant yourself permission to be fully human?

The first time I experienced the AUM Meditation was seven years ago. I remember it being an experience of being all over the map as emotions were intentionally conjured up, shivered through my body; and it was okay.  I  experienced parts of myself in full self-expression like never before that at times scared me, took my breath away, brought me to tears and left me feeling spent and connected to being alive in the healthiest way I had ever felt.

I remember being most uncomfortable with the negative emotions  I was asked to embody with all of my voice and self that I could muster. I remember feeling ashamed that I was holding back--if I knew I was. I remember feeling relieved when it was time to play at something considered pleasant, desirable and socially acceptable.

Most of all I remember the "emotional weather" of that day and I remember seeing "for a precious moment" my full self complete with imperfections and a tear-streaked face that was still declared to be beautiful and loved for what it was by my community.

I could say that the first time I spent the day with all of me and was loved for it as is, I was 40 years old/wise/young/living.

Really?! What is wrong with this picture and why the heck is that not my/our experience from the beginning?

"Why must I go through life living like a trained seal seeking to please my parents or my teachers or my friends or my community or strangers? Will I ever be allowed to just be me?"

Saturday night I again partook of the AUM Meditation with a small group and a skillful pair of facilitators. We wholeheartedly responded to the cues and prompts of a gifted and graceful facilitator whose own first experience of the AUM Meditation was in 1995 in Sweden--when it showed up for him just when his soul needed it.

As a practice for developing self-awareness and sense of self,  for me this dynamic mediation is simply the most accelerated experience of feeling and accepting all of myself and my fellow beings that I have ever felt. It's liberating. It's unnerving and asks a lot of a participant and the community that gathers. For many the AUM would be difficult if even possible, but we all deserve to know our self and be ourselves, and the sooner the better.

It strikes me that a person has to be in a willing place and wanting something that feels absent to “take what may feel like a risk.” One can’t experience the AUM (aka Life) for all that it is, if they are not there by their own choice.

Saturday night’s experience now lives beside that first one--and they are comparing notes (smile) like school girls. I choose to be real when I do a practice like the AUM and it is scary at first. Imagine living life this way--all the time. Could you? Would it be safe? Would there be support, acceptance, and a family of mirrors?

I  settle more deeply into my own sense of self, my essence, and I feel more potently my own power to Be My Self. And then comes that wave of fear at the idea of my power and I think next, well that is silly to fear yourself.

But a lot of us do, don't we? And we hide from ourselves even before we attempt to hide from others--when we aren't trying hard to be approved of by someone.

The dialogue among the tribe of my parts and roles becomes like the floor of the Stock Market, with transactions happening that I am not fully aware of. Who or what is running this place called me?  I want again to feel immersed in that sweet silent stillness that came at the end of the AUM in a dimly lit room that was throbbing with unbridled aliveness. (The way it should be? Could be?)

How come it feels like the state of bliss we may feel is so fleeting? How far will we go to feel good about self?

I again literally feel differently inside. I feel more purely again; every emotion bumping about inside my skin (and it is okay.)  I AM at choice to hold onto to the thoughts, the feelings, the sensations of having them (be they pleasant or not). I AM also at choice to release it all to the ethers, embrace the empty space and stay open for what is next to land a while in the space that I occupy--for now.

So what does being in touch fully again with my sense of self feel like?

My body is awake: I am both tired and not.
My heart is tender: I am both tentative and willing.
My spirit is both spent and in renewal. 

The Watcher is alive and well and alert and already sees the many masks of my potential Substitute Sense of Self: The Critic, the Judge, the Thinker, the Lover, the Daughter, the Mother, the Girl, the Woman, the Child, the Adult and so many other roles I answer to--all trying to assert themselves and claim a number one position. I will have none of them though. This morning my simple essential Self is given first dance and the Watcher facilitates with more grace and compassion than has been present in this vessel that I am, in a long while.

I AM in service in the name of love.

There awaits for you a gentle introduction to the Theory of a Healthy Sense of Self and we invite you to claim yourself in all your glory--be it gently or as quickly as you feel able and in due time. The first step is realizing you want to be you and all of you.

The Last Lost Words

Souls in communion
States of grace dancing
Effortlessly and in joy
The wonderment love invites
To dance, to laugh, to cry, to be
Returns its lovers to a point of understanding

Precious the experience of playful rapport
Sacred the conversation that follows the communion

We remember what we are in the arms of the beloved
That pure light of a passionate peace

12.23.2011

Habits and Expectations

Funny thing about habits and expectations: we are designed (and encouraged) to like them, seek them, create them, gravitate toward them (both good and not so good) and resist them.

Yes, I know I am suggesting a conundrum, but "read" me out. We live in a world of light and shadow, day and night, in other words, duality. There is utopia and dis-topia (each a genre of writing even!)

Habits are habit-forming (which can lead to Expectations)

How many times have you been encouraged to start a good new habit? Be it to start eating healthier, exercise, take up yoga, start writing morning pages, or drop a non-supportive behavior, replace it with a better habit.

We are advised to seek balance with good habits that promote stability, growth, creativity, prosperity without hindering all of our spontaneity and willingness to take a risk.

We know what is good for us as well as what will sabotage us. Do we recognize the difference? Have we the willpower we need?

I personally have a tenuous relationship with "some" habits. And there are some habits that are key to my very "sanity." And I bet if you are honest with yourself, there are some habits you easily embrace and others you ignore, resist, or openly commit to not doing. There isn't a right or wrong here. There is just what is so.

Do the habits I do honor support me? My business? My relationships? In the moments I realize they may not, I have enough courage to change what needs to be changed in most cases, although not always immediately.

Expectations as well, seem to be an equally mixed blessing.

The Four Agreements is a staple of mine. The agreements as authored simply are a blueprint for a peaceful life, presuming mastery of them is the process we pursue. To have no expectations is a lifelong habit I am cultivating. And, personally, I am more at peace and productive where it matters most, internally, when I have no expectations. I'm surprised, excited, and feel ever more alive at an event of any kind when I come with an open mind, free of hard and fast expectations.

Expectations are also encouraged at certain points in our lives and as a mother raising a daughter, I question how much I teach her to both have them and not. Darn duality!

Expectations arise from habits. Habits can lead to expectations. Some habits are good while others don't serve us well. Some expectation is exciting while too much sets us up for unnecessary disappointment.

In life, in business, and where relating, ever feel like you are walking the razor's edge where these features of living are concerned?

So why all this contemplation?

I'm turning over a new leaf tomorrow, one way or another. Habits be advised, in this coming year, new ones will be adopted to serve the greatest good while others will be 86'd and Expectations, if you don't have something nice to say, I'll be saying thanks for sharing and show you the door!

Positive Daily Affirmations

The Moon is Full and my heart is too. May we reflect Light into the hearts of those we love who need support as gracefully as La Luna does.

Early Morning Lessons

Seagull on green grass
Snowy grey landing with grace
More rain to come today

Plump crow on a fence
Takes time to taunt a squirrel
Minding his own mind and path

Speckled gull and black birds
of a feather feast upon
Human offerings left on a park lawn

Raindrops drip from gutters to ground
Leaves whisper before they fall
Early morning silence is silenced by a crying seagull

The Chinese woman won’t smile at me
Walking past me with a mask of a hard life

The path of leaves that camouflage the sidewalk is ablaze
With mottled pieces of fire and gold and crimson
Expressing a beauty that combusts the biting cold

Nature can be cruel beauty in odd moments
Always honest being what is season by season

My prayer this early hour is for gratitude for the approaching storm
That comes to cleanse and nourish as much as it comes to disrupt and energize
That I accept all that comes and pass the tests before me with grace.

11.12.11
9am - Crossroads Park, Bellevue

Dance with me love.

With love expressed so comes the life force
And gentle love is born as dancers receive
Twirling as though suspended in time and space
Hands touch and eyes speak and lips accept
The pure and peaceful offerings of
Open hearts in sacred communion
Celebrating the rise and fall of understanding

Beauty born without explanation
Purpose in passionate play
A slice of eternity
Perfection

Healing is this dance of love. Anam Cara

A Full Moon Affirmation

I am a glorious reflection of the Sun knowing that I also am that Golden Orb. 


I am energy full of light, reflection and shadow: All part of what makes me whole. 


I embrace my light and shadow!

I Am

I am Patient.
I am Beauty.
I am Love.
I am Light.
I am Present.
I am Wanderer.
I am Joy.
I am Willing.

I am Peace at the end of each day.

One thing I know...

I am in love with living.

To my daughter

Young soul loving pink
Grow to embrace blue and green
Daughter growing up

Plaid scarf wrapped about
Her swanlike neck of grace
All things possible

Letter to Luna

Ah, glorious alabaster orb
I dare not sleep this morning
I'd rather dance the night away with you
I'll dance around your silky veil of clouds
Till sunrise floods the pale indigo skies with
Lavender trails and rose waves and silver white light

You are forever my love.

Remember: The time to love is short

Letting Go Takes Love

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

 Author Unknown

Positive Daily Affirmations

In the wee small hours before the Full Moon, I am ALIVE with love and creativity and gratitude. Like stars in the heaven aplenty.


The Facebook Page

The late night list of gratitude

For the daughter I am graced with

For the beloved not with me who IS with me

For the abundant health I have

For the supportive dad Bronte has

For the skills I am using daily for my livelihood

For my steadfast heart

For my newest peer connections

For my faith

For my willingness to keep on trying loving

For my growing strength to do what is right

For my typing ability

For my alone time tonight

For my ability to be alone

For my appreciation of my alone time

For my creativity

For the muses in my life

For the friends of years and new each day

For the mother in my life

For the healthy relationship with Sydney

For the lights that are on and the heat that can be used

For the comfortable bed that awaits me

For the chance to begin again tomorrow with focus

For all that I am and have and can be...

haikus of the season part 1

acquaintances made
in candle lit living rooms
on holiday nights

tender beginnings
the scent of spiced candle wax
brings back memories

to meet and to greet
a bold new year with new friends
i need no other gifts

Reply

80% of Full Moon

Oh Luna.

Daughter was convinced you were following us last night.
As we walked up the driveway she declared:
Momma, the moon is following us?
Do you think so dear one?
YES, she was sure.
Well, then the moon is following us.

I am forever happy to have the reflected light of the day follow me.

I am forever happy to reflect back respect and appreciation for how I love you.

The Scoop About Me

"I am a grounded gypsy. With boxes of past journals. Boxes...Write haiku mostly daily and think in haiku on command. Don't wear a watch. Love the ocean. Love that I was reunited with my birth mom. And choose peace as my preferred state of being. "

My wish for today is that your heart's desire finds you. 

To meet mid-way in effortless movement like that sweet intersection of the in breath and the out breath. 

And in that spacious gap, blissful recognition.

There is a poem brewing in me
As I consider slumber.

A poem waxing toward fullness
Of memories as sweet as the fruits of summer
Handpicked berries that never made it to the basket
That were thoroughly enjoyed in the moment
Indigo blue stained fingertips tell the tale

And with a breathless smile, I delay washing my hands
preferring to conjure again the memory
of the hours spent picking berries
Without a thought
of the passing time