Thank you to http://www.delanceyplace.com for the daily missiles of fiction that prompt one to seek out and read the WHOLE book.
I was a highschool student when I read Cannery Row, The Log of the Sea of Cortez and Pastures of Heaven (my personal favorite of Steinbeck's to this day.) In late January of this year, while on a visit home to the Monterey Peninsula, my mother, daughter and I visited the Monterey Aquarium and I was drawn back down the "rabbit hole" as I fingered each wonderful Steinbeck offering in the main gift shop, with artful modern covers. And yet I could see my Penguin Classic Editions with tattered corners as clear as I could see my hand before me reaching for crisp copy of The Pearl and other stories. Those were the days, when so many of my dearest friends were as my mother calls them "bookfriends."
I have tried to isolate and inspect the great talent that was in Ed Ricketts, that made him so loved and needed and makes him so missed now that he is dead. Certainly he was an interesting and charming man, but there was some other quality that far exceeded these. I have thought that it might be his ability to receive, to receive anything from anyone, to receive gracefully and thankfully, and to make the gift seem very fine. Because of this everyone felt good in giving to Ed--a present, a thought, anything.
Perhaps the most overrated virtue in our list of shoddy virtues is that of giving. Giving builds up the ego of the giver, makes him superior and higher and larger than the receiver...It is so easy to give, so exquisitely rewarding. Receiving, on the other hand, if it is well-done, requires a fine balance of self-knowledge and kindness. It requires humility and tact and great understanding of relationships. In receiving, you cannot appear, even to yourself, better or stronger or wiser than the giver, although you must be wiser to do it well.
It requires self-esteem to receive--not self-love but just a pleasant acquaintance and liking for oneself.
John Steinbeck, The Log from the Sea of Cortez, Appendix, ""About Ed Ricketts"", Penguin Books, 1951, pp. 272-3
At fourteen, I would say I was not quite in possession of self-esteem, but rather that I was still on a quest to find it and claim it like a treasure. It took a lot longer than I could ever imagine. I was already an expert at giving and giving certainly has its place. Hindsight being what it is, I see now I was resistant to receiving, except in the most dire of times. And even then my capacity to receive what I most needed was colored with angst.
That all began to change the day I became a mother. And I am not the first to say that the birth of a child marked the beginning of a new era of self-actualization.
The reality and experience of pure love given and received in a mutual moment of exchange came about 8:30am on January 31, 2000 when my newly delivered daughter was placed across my chest, met my eyes, and clasped my little finger with her own fresh perfect hand. And her crying evaporated as did my nausea from the epidural and time stood still a moment. And there began my sense of self, relative to her, and my new role and responsibility. She would know love and self-love and be given every opportunity to accept herself from the beginning. And that has made all the difference in the last decade for me. I remain an expert at giving and am no longer a novice at receiving. And that new "talent" makes life sweeter.
"It requires self-esteem to receive--not self-love but just a pleasant acquaintance and liking for oneself."
May you enjoy the journey of making your own acquaintance.
