About three years ago I had a coffee meeting with someone for the first time, as suggested by another colleague. The colleague imagined I could help their friend with developing a writing and content strategy. Instead, we became fast friends, and while I wanted to help him for professional reasons, there was always something that allowed him to put off the thing he said he wanted to do.
My approach was to keep in touch, stay constant, support, nudge, and be there to assist, listen, and be an accountability partner and friend--for that is what we had agreed to be for each other.
We had a lot of pep talks.
We had a lot of phone conversations. (often during times between my client calls.
We had a lot of happy hours on Fridays where we listened to each other.
In March 2020, when COVID lockdown started in my state, he "disappeared" on me, preoccupied with his own priorities concerning his house and his dogs and his retirement plans. I check in with him by way of text but he has no time to talk and instead I get a long text back explaining how life is still crazy for him. It was really hard for me for the first month that he wasn't making time for our nearly daily check-ins as once upon a time he was--because I cared about him, was worried about him, and wanted him to know I cared. And then I realized (with the help of my loving husband) that I needed to just let it go and let him be him. That looked like not texting the "how are you today texts, the what can I do to support you texts, the loving threats that I was going to call if he didn't call me. Honestly, first I felt lost, then sad, then angry, then sad; and then relief filled the vacuum created by all the additional time. I didn't immediately fill it by replacing one person for another to call daily. I embraced the space, reassessed how I wanted to spend my time, and began to do what I had mapped out. From time to time, an impulse to reach out to him, ask again, "what can I do for you?" passed through me, YET, I said "no." My wise inner self and that kind voice of my beloved reminded me, "Let it be. You do you. First things first per your priorities."
I never realized just how much energy I gave this one friend and colleague until there were a couple of months of silence and extremely limited contact with them (by their choice.) I have a very wise older friend who I shared my story with and she said, "Just let him go; he's saying (in his way) he is done with you. Otherwise, he'd be wanting to talk. He was looking for an exit. Let it/him go."
That conversation with my dear elder friend, occurred near the end of June, the very first month I also systematically managed to finish all my coaching lesson notes by the end of the same month--an expectation I had for myself but missed more than I satisfied. Our habits take effort and intention to alter deeply.
And, I started July with a fresh clean slate with additional energy to do what is important to me on a daily basis.
That absent friend and colleague is still important, and I recently sent a check-in from Dan and I, "We hope you are well." He replied in his usual way. I replied with compassion in my heart:
"Okay. The ball is in your court. Take care."
COVID and the pandemic insisted we assess and prioritize. Some did it sooner than others and learned from it--for application after the worst was passed.
The pandemic and all its consequences for humanity had put a mirror before me with the following reminders:
Being of service is my primary driver.
Not all are willing to ask for help or take it when offered in times of crisis.
Delegation allows us to focus on what we deem to be most important.
Identifying the true yes vs no is an important lesson to learn (and relearn.)
I have found that letting go when I recognize (the truth of) things that do not further my bigger and more important intentions LIBERATES and AMPLIFIES my energy.
Focus has become easier for me. And there seems to be more time, less resistance, and better outcomes.
Where did all this extra time and energy come from?!
From saying YES first, to myself, my purpose, my big picture plans.
Originally penned 7.15.2020
